The Easy Way

I just ran into my next door neighbor while putting out the trash.  She and her husband are a sweet older couple, very friendly and kind to my kids when we see them.  I guess it's been a while since she has seen me since the size of my belly made her eyes bulge, prompting my favorite question:  "Are you sure you aren't having twins???"  Yes, dumbass, the miracles of modern technology have assured me that there is only one baby in there but thank you for confirming that I look as swollen, fat and gross as I feel.

ANYWAY, she asked when I'm due and I told her that I'm scheduled for 2/27 which confused her so I explained that I have to have another c-section.  She nodded knowingly and said, "Aaaaah, yes.  You are taking the easy way."

***Dead silence as I wonder whether there is anything in the trash bag sharp enough to slit her wrinkled old throat***

Normally, when I hear something ridiculous or insulting, I add another tick mark to my mental "People are assholes" tally and don't bother to engage but this time, with the ache of my internal incision scar flaring each time I twist or bend, I couldn't resist snapping, "Yes, it's a real breeze afterwards.  Especially when I won't be able to drive the kids to school for at least 2 weeks or lift the baby in her infant seat.  Have a nice day!"

Seriously, is she kidding me?  There is nothing easy about childbirth no matter how you do it.  I've never had a real contraction in my life so I would never judge how hard or easy vaginal childbirth is.  That would be like me saying getting kicked in the balls is no big deal -- I don't have them so I have no basis for judgement.  Pushing a baby out of one's lady parts sounds pretty damn painful and although I wish I could have done it that way, I bet it would have hurt like a mofo and I have a healthy respect for anyone who has done it.  So how about the same respect for those of us who have major surgery to birth our babies?

Most c-section moms didn't elect to do it that way and along with the post-op pain, we deal with a lot of regret.  There is nothing "easy" about abdominal surgery or about the adjustment to having one's birth plan go so awry.  Having a section means more difficulty breastfeeding since the hormones triggered by labor don't jumpstart the process.   It means walking around with the feeling that your insides are going to fall out.  It means keeping your older children at arm's length so they don't injure your healing incision with their joyful exuberance, probably the side effect I fear the most this time around. It's bad enough that I will have to leave them for 4 days but to not be able to snuggle and play like normal when I get home?  Torture for all 3 of us at a critical time when I need to show them that I love them just as much as always and that the baby doesn't change anything.  I'm not kidding when I say I wish I could get one of those spacey-looking pet collars to protect my abdomen from loving sneak attacks.

So, no, it's not the easy way out.  Not at all.  I may not have to do all of that awful pushing and tearing and straining but I'll have more than enough pain and disruption afterwards to make up for how quickly my baby is delivered.  The baby I won't be able to hold for hours after delivery as the spinal will leave me numb from the neck down.  Easy indeed.  There are no medals for childbirth.  Why do people act otherwise?  Vaginal or surgical, natural or drugged to the point of delirium, all that matters is the safe delivery of a healthy baby to a healthy mother.  I guess it's just one more contest of superiority in The Mommy Wars.  Shouldn't my neighbor, the mother of grown children, be playing checkers in the Veterans hall rather than attacking those of us on active duty?  I guess some soldiers never want the battle to end.  Pity.