It's that time of the month again...

where I wait and wonder whether AF will show. After losing the baby in December, having Dr. Assface tell us that we can't get pregnant for a year b/c the molar pregnancy left me at risk for cancer in January and having that prognosis overturned in February, it's been a roller coaster ride for my girly parts as well as my sanity. This was the first month BC wasn't vital to my health. I refuse to go back on the pill b/c of the migraines, we are united in our hatred of condoms and neither one of us is ready to get neutered. So, we're not trying to get pregnant but we're not trying to prevent it either. What do we want? What do I want??? I don't even know anymore. I wanted THAT baby. I was ready for THAT baby. Now, I feel like maybe the universe was telling me to quit while I'm ahead. I'm old, I'm fat and I'd have to have another c-section which is more fun than being strapped to a chair and forced to watch "The Hills" for a week straight but less fun than margaritas and dirty fries at Copa. Tom is obsessed with everything that could go wrong with the baby, mental retardation and autism topping his list. I stress about little things like how our family would no longer fit in a booth when we go out to dinner and bigger things like how The Madam would react to someone taking over so much of her Mama's time and energy. Can I really sleep with one eye open every night for two years until the baby is big enough to defend itself from The Girl pulling a Code Red after lights out?

Maybe these are stupid concerns and I'm looking for reasons to be afraid. It's definitely easier to be afraid than to hope. I hoped for my JennyLuke to be born healthy and happy but that wasn't in the cards. Lord knows I'm well aware that lightening can and does strike twice. If it struck me again in this way, I'm just not sure I could handle it. Yes, life goes on and yes, I'd bounce back but I deflate a little more with each bounce and that is getting harder to hide. Anyway, this is likely a moot point since Tommy Boy was living it up in NYC during what would have been the most fertile point of my cycle and I was actually relieved about that which isn't to say I won't be disappointed if AF shows up on Friday. Good Lord, I am SUCH a damn GIRL!!! It's so obvious where Natalie gets her contrariness. Oy.