The things we've handed down

Mrs. Conner stopped me at pick-up today to ask whether I have (had? I still trip over tense when I have to describe what he is to me.) a brother who died and if he was a policeman. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Apparently Jack talks about Jon frequently at school and has mentioned more than once that he was shot. Jack calls him a hero so she assumed Jon was killed in the line of duty. What is going on in my poor boy's head and how do I erase it??? I'd risk my mother's wrath by taking down every picture and never mention Jon's name again if it meant I could give Jack back the innocence of believing that we all live forever. Christ, he's only 4 years old; there is plenty of time for him to learn that life often sucks and we don't all get what we deserve. This is just one more ripple caused by the tidal wave of 10/13/95. Hard to believe I've been drowning in it for 12+ years now. Some days it feels as fresh as if I dropped him off at that party 12 minutes ago. Other times it feels like I haven't seen his smile in 12 centuries. Lord, how I miss that smile.