Reverse Discrimination

I've been a stay-at-home mom for a little over 5 years now.  I love it.  This is what I always wanted to be when I "grew up" (although the jury is still out on whether I've actually grown up or not.)  So, in a nutshell, I'm living the life I've always wanted.  Why, then, do people feel the need to hate on it?

Last week at book club, a few of the neighbors started talking about their friend who is at home with her young daughter.  Her child is 1 or somewhere thereabout.  The fact that the woman drinks excessively every day in the presence of her child and then passes out on the couch was not nearly as shocking or horrible to them as the fact that her house gets messy and she doesn't always cook dinner.  To paraphrase what Dingbat #1 said, "I mean, she's home all day!  That's just lazy!  Her house should be perfect!  What else does she have to do???"  (Of course, this is the same woman who was hinting that I should mind Dingbat #2's newborn after Sheemee is born b/c "2 babies wouldn't be much harder than 1, right?")  When she said this about the neat house and nothing else to do, I laughed out loud.  No, that doesn't describe it accurately.  I guffawed.  Me, who rarely says anything in groups of people larger than 3 actually guffawed and followed it up with an "Are you really that fucking stupid?" look.  I've heard that Dingbat #1 and her husband (who no longer forces her to have anal sex, btw.  Praise Jesus, what a loving man.)  do not want children.  Let's hope they have done something permanent to make sure they don't have an oopsie for the sake of that child.  Anyway, nobody else seemed to find her statement as ridiculous as I did so conversation moved on.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only way to keep a house with children neat is to clean up and then remove them from the house for the day OR pick one room to be a mess and lock them in it for their waking hours.  Now I'm not talking about dirty.  Nobody's house should be dirty, that's just disgusting.  I'm talking messy.  Cluttered.  Toys on the floor (and between the couch cushions, under the kitchen table, between the sheets...I could go on and on.)  This is normal in a house with kids.  I try to keep the bulk of it out of my living room/dining area but hey, life happens.  This isn't just my house, my kids live here as well and if Jack wants to build a brontosaurus out of tinker toys in front of the couch, it's my job to applaud his efforts and make sure he cleans it up before bedtime, not necessarily the minute he's done.

That was Monday.  I don't actually respect the Dingbat twins or value their opinions so I rolled my eyes and looked forward to sharing the absurdity of how non-parents always think they are the supreme authority on parenthood with my fellow SAHM friend who wasn't at the meeting that night.  I expected that to be the last attack I'd weather for the week but I was wrong.

Thursday night was knitting again.  I was already pissy about being there after the prior week's breastfeeding lecture.  Dingbat #2 is part of the knitting group too and she started loudly lamenting the lack of daycare options for newborns of a mother who works part time.(She is due in less than a month and is going back to work when Baby is 6 weeks old.  Shouldn't she have locked in daycare months ago?)  Apparently, she has called every in-home and group option in Northern Delaware and everyone is full or won't take a part timer.  Whatever will she do?  She started talking about how she is the only one in the neighborhood that works and all of the rest of us stay home with our kids.  Again, she mentioned my SAHM/book club friend as an option and looked coyly at me when she said it would be nice to find someone who "is already staying home with a baby anyway."  Like I'm there accidently or something.  Like providence put me there to solve her problem.  Ummmm, no.  I said, "Wow, there is no way I could do that and what a quick way to ruin a friendship."  (Are we friends?  No, but I didn't think it would be kind to say "what a quick way to make me dislike you more intensely.")  Marilyn, the instructor, was surprised to hear that so few of us work in our development.  Dingbat #2 went on and on about how all of the area moms are home (not true) and made it sound like we're all playing mah-jong and drinking Long Island Iced Teas while our kids get together to play with matches and kerosene.  Marilyn was shocked to hear that so many of us had quit our jobs to stay home.  What did we do all day?  What would we tell our daughters when they were older?  

What do we do all day?  We take care of our kids and do as much as we can around the house.  We do laundry, fix meals, build forts, visit playgrounds, stroll through zoos, play soccer in the yard, read stories, give horseback rides in the living room, paint, color, mold playdoh, sing songs, dance, play hide and seek, sneak in bathroom breaks and email checks, laugh at jokes that wouldn't be funny to anyone except the teller and his/her parents, catch butterflies, visit friends, go to the mall, have lunch in restaurants and 1,000 other mundane things that make a child's life happy and well-balanced.  Basically, everything a working mom does at night and on the weekend, we do all day every day.

What will I tell my daughter?  The truth.  I worked hard in school, had a great career and I made a lot of money.  I planned for my future and my future included a husband and a family, not a job.  That was my choice and Daddy and I worked hard to make that choice a reality so that when Jack was born, I left behind the job and devoted my time and energy to my family.  It was possible because of the money I made when I was working and because Daddy works hard still.  Daddy and I are a team and this is how we decided we wanted our family life to be.  I could have kept working and I wouldn't have loved my family any less but it was more important to Daddy and I that one of us be home with you guys rather than sending you out to others so that we could have more stuff.  I would work if we needed the money but we don't need it to live the life we are leading now.

Marilyn went on and on about how she worked, she did it all, she set a good example, she always had a daycare in her home, blah blah blah.  Her daughters knew that women could have it all and she never sat on her butt at home, getting fat and being lazy.  One of the other women said that she didn't regret a moment of the early years she spent at home with her child before returning to teaching.  I didn't bother to say a word.  Unlike the breastfeeding debate, I've never had a moment's doubt about staying home with my children and I feel no need to defend my choice.  This is what is right for us.  Listening to her bluster, I almost felt sorry for her because I suspect that she looks back on her decision and questions it or else she wouldn't feel the need to put other people's choices down to make her own seem faultless.

Again, who cares what anyone else does?  It doesn't impact your life so why worry about it?  What does it matter if I'm home or this one works 9-5 or that one telecommutes or whatever?  I couldn't care less about what anyone else does with their children as long as it doesn't impact mine.  The only thing that bothers me is that for some reason, it's okay to pick on SAHMs.  It's like with racial humor-- don't say a work about blacks or Jews but the Polish are fair game.  By the same token, mild jokes, jibes and judgements about SAHMs are okay because we are the Polish in the motherhood league of nations.  Working moms, on the other hand, are a protected species.  It is their right!  They have a choice!  It's late so I can't think of the other statements I hear but they are all spoken with exclamation points.  The thing is that I totally agree with all of that.  I think a woman should do whatever is best as long as it isn't to the detriment of her baby (like the mother of a special needs newborn running for VP, for example.)  If a woman is going to be angry and frustrated at home all day, she should get her ass back to the office.  If a woman hates putting her kids in daycare, she should find a way to stay home as long as her family won't end up on welfare.  Happy mother, happy kids.  Choices -- our foremothers fought for them and we should be able to make them as we see fit.  Except we can't without the judgement.  I don't feel the need to defend my choice because it was the right one for me but I'm tired of hearing how lucky I am (luck plays no part in it; Tom and I are careful and planned for this) or having it implied that I'm on one long spring break (try chasing the dynamic duo around all day, every day and see if you feel like you are on vacation.)  Somehow, it's okay for people to say that to me but God forbid I say anything about a woman who chooses to work so that she can have an iPhone or a fancy car or vacations.  What makes her choice more sacred than mine?  That is the question at the root of this particular version of reverse discrimination.