Oh No

I just did a little Gestational Diabetes reading on Webmd.com and Babycenter.com.   I've officially gone from angry to frightened and guilt-stricken.  My poor, poor girl, she is at risk for childhood and adult obesity as well as diabetes all because Mommy has a weakness for sweets.  She could be born with hypoglycemia and has a greater risk for jaundice.  I failed that first test early which means she could have heart defects.  

According to babycenter.com, GD puts me at a higher risk for pre-eclampsia.  Tack on my already higher than average risk of PE due to the fact that I had it 2x's already and I am SO PISSED that my OB won't let me take a 24 hour urine test to see whether I'm spilling protein again.  What is wrong with getting a little peace of mind?  She keeps saying that my blood pressure is awesome so there is no need for the test.  Yeah, that doesn't comfort me b/c my pressure was equally awesome with Jack until suddenly my liver was failing and they were rushing me into the OR.  I'm scared.  I'm sad.  I'm tired.  I'm angry at myself because this is my fault.  After Jon died, food became my comfort, my coping mechanism, my drug.  I couldn't hear Mom crying as much with the sound of my chewing blocking it out.  I focused on chewing like a yoga practitioner focuses on her breathing.  It kept me centered and drowned out the sorrow swirling around me.  Some people turn to alcohol or drugs in times of crisis, others throw themselves into their work.  I made food into so much more than the fuel needed to keep my body moving.  Now my baby may suffer for my weakness.  I could throw up just thinking about the shame of it.