Jack's school had an emergency evacuation last Thursday. It turned out that it was a false alarm but since they didn't know that when the bell sounded, protocol kicked in and the teachers hustled the kids out of the building and to their safety zone until the all-clear was given. Jack talked about how noisy it was and a letter was sent home that day, explaining what happened and why. I thought that was the end of it.
He has soccer after school on Fridays so I go to pick Natalie up and then head back for him later. When I pulled into the parking lot to get Natalie, Jack's class was walking back to the building from the playground. Jack was walking with his hands covering his ears. Knowing that he has always been sensitive to loud noises, I assumed there was an airplane overhead which I couldn't hear with the windows closed and radio on. There wasn't. Mrs. S, the director, informed me that Jack had spent the day crying with his ears covered b/c he was so afraid the alarm would sound again. Tom and I spent the weekend explaining general fire safety as well as the importance of fire alarms and why they have to be so loud. We read aloud the fire drill book his teachers sent home with him. We even had mock fire drills to practice how we would get out of the house in case we ever had a fire here. It took me most of the weekend to realize that he wasn't afraid of a fire, he was afraid of another fire drill b/c the alarm noise scared him so deeply. He didn't want to be outside b/c he was afraid the house would catch fire, he wanted to be out there in case the alarm sounded. He wasn't afraid of candles starting a fire when he was obsessively asking if all flames were extinguished, he was worried that their smoke would activate the smoke detectors.
He cried at school all day yesterday, too, as one of his classmates solemnly informed me when I arrived to pick Jack up. His teachers confronted me about it, asking what they should do. How much of an ass did I feel like when I said, "I don't know?" Seriously, I don't. I'm at a total loss here. We have gone through this cycle of fear before -- power outages, bugs, cars in parking lots, baths -- and as quickly as the terror takes hold, it dissipates although it's hell while it lasts. Each time, Tom and I talk to him, taking various approaches to ease his fears, until we are blue in the face but it has no impact. When the worrying hits him, it takes over and nothing penetrates the fog. In this instance with the fire bell, he is totally fine when he is home unless he thinks about it but once he goes back to school each morning, the worry takes over and it's all that he can see.
His teachers think he needs to see a psychologist for anxiety issues. So does my mother. At this point, I am inclined to agree even though it hurts me to admit it. He's 5, for God's sake. Anxiety? Has my manic nature rubbed off on him? Does that transfer genetically or via amniotic fluid? Do I yell too much? Did something neurological not finish connecting when he was born way too early? It's driving me crazy that somehow this is my fault. Which is stupid because even if it is my fault, which it most likely is since Mom is always to blame, this is not about me. It's about Jack and helping him learn to deal with his fears in a way that helps him to be the happy sweet boy he is when his worries don't take over. I have a call into a group that my pediatrician recommended. Maybe they can teach my sweetheart some coping techniques for when his worries get too big for his little body. In the meantime, he went off to school in his Indiana Jones shirt and hat b/c Indy didn't cry when he got scared. He just gritted his teeth and said, "I. Hate. SNAKES." We practiced being Indy this morning -- I. Hate. FIRE. DRILLS!!! Hopefully, he'll remember our giggles and that will keep the tears at bay until school is over for the day. Hopefully, I'm not teaching him to repress his feelings b/c they are real, however irrational they seem to a grown-up. I don't want to do more damage. Being a parent is like walking through a minefield sometimes.
There is nothing more difficult than being someone's mother, is there? My heart is literally aching right now.
6 comments:
Oh Christy...I understand all too well your feelings of self imposed guilt. Believing that we "did" this to our children. But we didn't. Whether it's just in them because it's a part of them, or it's something passed through us genetically, all we do is love them, and all we can do is help them. We finally figured out why Eli freaks out about the metro...the loud noise of the train whooshing into the station sends him in a panic of him crying and covering his ears. He's been doing so well since he came home that I haven't dared even try the metro, although I know at some point we are going to have to. For some reason some children just have a built in anxiety issue...whether it's one that is treatable with some coping skills or meds is just dependent on the child and the situation. I think that you are wise to follow your intuition and listen to the concern voiced by his teacher and your mom. I was always told that a little anxiety is normal, but it needs some kind of attention or intervention if it starts interfering with normal life...moving on to the next activity...affecting the rest of the day...that sort of thing. The worrying never stops does it? It's so painful to be a parent sometimes...the joys so joyful, but the fears and worry are just almost more than we can bear sometimes... Hang in there.
oh poor little guy! thats so awfull for him! and you! I hope you find something to help!
Poor little guy!
And you should not beat yourself up about this at all. The best thing you can do is identify the situation and try and find a solution. You started with all the ways you knew how, and now you're getting a second opinion, basically. In the end, he'll at least learn some different coping skills that can lessen his anxiety.
Maybe they will offer him occupational therapy to help him. I have a friend who's child has anxiety issues and he's really really learned how to work through things. He started at about 6 and is doing great now. At one point, he wouldn't even let her drive on the highway.
This is going to sound stupid, but have you tried to ignore his fears and maybe distract?
I hope things work out and you can get some answers.
Thanks, guys, I really appreciate the support. I struggle with sharing this b/c it feels shameful even though it shouldn't be. I mean, I wouldn't ignore a broken arm so why ignore something that is hurting him like this? Mental/emotional issues are just so stigmatized and easy to judge or poo-poo.
Jenn, yes, we tried ignoring and we tried distracting. That's what I do when he whines or the kids bicker and that usually works in those cases but this is deeper. He generally gets worse with no attention and distracting doesn't work b/c he doesn't hear us when he gets going. His teachers said it's the same way at school. The only thing that comforts him at this point is physical comfort. He usually settles if we sit and hold him close.
I hope you guys can find a solution! Poor guy!
Ava has a similar issue with the TV - she FREAKS if it goes to the fuzzy static (grey/black) and all that noise (if someone accidently changes the channel). Obviously, our solution is relatively simple, but she is unconsolable and screaming at times.
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