Brother Jon, where are you, why are you sleeping?*

Today is my brother's birthday.  He would have been 32.  Hard to imagine what that laughing 19 year old kid would have become in the last 13 years.  Since he has been gone, he has become so many things -- the reason my mother no longer smiles with her eyes, the missing factor in my happiness equation, the source of my cousin's migraines, a cautionary tale of the dangers of guns for my children and countless others, no doubt.  Today I don't think about that though.  Today I banish all what-if's and why's and just remember what an amazing person my brother was.

There are probably very few of us who remember that today is his birthday at this point.  Life is long and memory is short when it comes to the dead.  I remember, though, and that is how I keep him with me.  Preserving his memory is my vocation, second only to being a mother.  I do it for myself because I need him in my life still even after all this time and after all I have done without him to cheer me on.  So you might say that today is a holy day of obligation in my own personal religion of ancestor worship.  Today is dedicated to all of the good times we had together.  I listen to the music we loved, remember the good times we had and if I wasn't pregnant, I'd gag down a shot of Southern Comfort in his honor remembering how he could drink me under the table even after I was a lush of a college student and he was still in high school.

He had so much life in him, so much more than I ever did.  On paper, he was pretty average -- middle of the pack grades, cute but not strikingly handsome, no special talent -- but he drew people to him in a way that was inexplicable.  There was just something about him that made people want to be his friend.  Maybe it was his sense of humor or the warmth in his smile that had just a trace of devilry in it.  Sure, he could be a jerk like any of us can and sometimes his humor turned sharp to match his Irish temper but for the most part, he was a happy, caring, inclusive person which ended up being his undoing but I won't go there.  Not today.

He taught me many life lessons although I didn't realize it at the time.  I often fail to live by his code because I am basically the opposite of the extroverted happy optimist that he was but I try to put his credos into action when I can -- Take it light.  Laugh all the time because serious sucks and will make you old.  Sing loudly in the car and take the long way when you can.  Don't stress about what people think or who is watching.  Believe in your own awesomeness.  Show people that you love them; don't just tell them.  Don't worry about a rainy day; enjoy yourself now while it's sunny (easier for a kid living with his parents than for an adult who is now the parent.)  Celebrate anything and everything -- parties are fun and worrying is boring.  Remember where you came from and who your real friends are.  Loyalty is the highest honor you can give.

Happy birthday, Brother.  I miss you always and I promise that I will raise my kids to be like me in school and like you after school, okay?

*paraphrased from my favorite Big Head Todd and the Monsters song