What a Difference

"You sound GREAT.  Better than you have in months!"

A friend said this to me recently.  You know what?  She's right!  Although I look wrecked, I feel better than I have in a long time, longer than even my pregnancy.  A weight has been lifted from me, literally as well as figuratively.  Being pregnant was very taxing this time around.  Aside from the physical pain which was varied and abundant, I was carrying the scars of the miscarriage and the accompanying fear that it would happen again.  Even up until the night before my c-section, All gifts remained with their tags attached.  The few things I bought, I taped the receipts to the packaging just in case.  I truly didn't believe in my heart that Bonnie would be born healthy and alive.  I don't know why but I had a lump of dread in my throat from the day I took the pregnancy test until the nurses held up my beautiful, screaming, huge girl.

Now that she is here and I'm getting back to normal (quickly in some ways, at a snail's pace in others), I feel so happy.  I am pleased with my life and feeling blessed.  I worried that I'd be depressed about getting my tubes tied and while I'm sure that I'll always feel a twinge of regret when I see a newborn, I am confident that it was the right thing to do for my health and for our family.  Two unexpected benefits arose from the procedure -- I have a whole new perspective on how important it is to enjoy our family life to the fullest and I have a greater appreciation for my children in general and as individuals.  I thought it would make me cherish Bonnie, knowing she is my last baby, but I find myself really stopping to enjoy and give thanks for The Biggies as well.  Jack is the only son I will ever have.  He is my dreamer and I need to encourage that as well as teach him to temper his expectations when his imagination goes soaring to the clouds.  Natalie, born a middle child if ever there was one, continues to challenge my limited patience but I see her in a whole new light now.  I respect that she needs to be heard before going along with the program and I hope that she always stands up for herself like she does now.

So, yes, I do sound better than I have in months and that is because I feel better than I have in months.  I may not look like my old self yet but I feel like her and it's so wonderful.  I really missed me.