Gimme My Money, Bitches

My bank changed from Commerce to TD earlier this year. Nobody was more upset about this than Jack. He doesn't handle change well (like his mother.)

At first, it was all good. I liked the new green signs -- red makes me nervous -- and we all thought it was super cool that the new green taffies were still cherry. Those tricksters! Plus, I got to keep my old Commerce ATM card so it didn't feel like too much change too fast.

Last weekend, TD did a big switcheroo with the website. Not sure what was going down since I was already being redirected from the Commerce link to TD's site but it was a big enough deal that there were big announcements every time I'd log on. (Which was often since I wasn't sure when the ballet payment would be withdrawn and I didn't want to overdraft.)

The weekend work was supposed to be done by Sunday night. Nope. Monday arrived and there was a message that balances would be updated later in the day and TD was oh-so-sorry for any inconveniences. Same on Tuesday and Wednesday. The bastards had the nerve to say "Stop by any of our convenient branches to access your account" or some such nonsense.

"Convenient"? Convenient to whom? Certainly not to the mother of 3 young children. Unless they have on-site babysitting with Wii stations, pony rides and a baby food buffet, there is nothing "convenient" about stopping by a branch for me.

Hello, this is not 1987. I don't want to visit your branch. Or your headquarters. Or anywhere but your website. Ever. It's the digital age, Spanky, now show me my money.

But they won't.

Today, I can't get on there at all. I keep getting the following message:

System Error

The information you entered is incorrect. Please try again.

If you continue to experience difficulties, please contact us at 1-888-937-0002.

Okay, two problems with this: 1.) I am definitely entering the correct log-on information -- I know b/c I put my eyeballs right up on the keyboard and veeeeery slowly and veeeeery carefully typed each number to be sure I wasn't effing up -- so there is an issue on their end. 2.) The phone number they listed doesn't work. Neither does the main number at the top of the web page. What the frak?

This account is just my play money. It's enough to buy a few lunches out, maybe a gymboree outfit or two (on sale) but not an iPhone to give you an idea of what is at stake. If a bank employee was to abscond with it, they could make it to the Mexican Post restaurant but not the Mexican border. It's peanuts. But it's my peanuts and I want it. I need it. I have to pay my Gap bill and I threw away the stupid envelope. Because, like I said, it's not 1987 and I don't use stamps to pay my bills.

I certainly don't want to drag the three amigos into the stinking branch to accomplish this used-to-be-simple task. So I'm peeved. Thinking that TD won't be kicking ass on any customer satisfaction surveys anytime soon. Wishing Commerce had stuck around.

I just want access to my money. Because, you know, it's MINE. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.