Oh, Yes, Let's Talk about Murder Over Breakfast. How Delightful.

The Madam was full of questions this morning. That can be difficult at any time of the day but in the morning after a rough night of not sleeping, I'm especially ill-equipped to deal with her mind and the strange ways it works.

N: Mommy, remember the person who killed Uncle Jonathan?

C: Yeah, bud, I do. [thinking] Please let that be the last question. Jon, damnit, if you are hearing this, send a bird flying into the glass to distract her or something? I'm tired of talking about you before my eyes are even all the way open!

N: What was his name?

C: His name doesn't matter, baby. He's not a good person.

N: Was he a kid?

C: No, he was 20. That's a grown-up.

N: Why did he hurt Uncle Jonathan?

C: Because he wasn't a good person and he had a gun. He wasn't careful with it.

N: Maybe Uncle Jonathan tripped him and it made him mad so he hurt him back. Maybe Uncle Jonathan kicked him a little.

C: No, sweetie. Uncle Jonathan didn't do anything mean. It wasn't his fault at all.

At this point, I could see the wheels turning. I considered explaining how he allegedly forgot to unchamber one of the rounds and that it was carelessness rather than malice that caused the tragedy but scrapped that idea. She knows the word "gun" but has no idea what one actually is. She thinks bullets are one of the prizes you get in Mario Kart to make you drive faster than the other cars so talking about one accidentally left in the gun would confuse the hell out of her and lead to more questions I don't want to answer.

Bonnie was perfectly still, like she could understand us and was filing away the information I was begrudgingly sharing.

N: So why did he have a gun? Guns are bad.

C: I don't know why he had one, honey. Guns ARE bad. Only police officers should have them.

N: Why do police officers need them?

Oh shit. Now how do I even explain that one?

C: Sweetie, how about some marshmallows before school? As a special treat?

N: Yes! YES, YES, YES!!!

Nothing like a little processed sugar in the morning to fend off the tough questions. I am such a punk to distract her like that but how does one explain why police might need a gun to a 4 year old???

When my kids turn to food to help themselves avoid dealing with hard times, it will totally be my fault. Oh well, add it to the list.