WHAT?
That's a year older than I am now. WHAT?
I certainly don't feel 37. I don't even feel 27. I feel more like 16. Maybe 20 if I've made particularly mature choices that day. 37? No effing way.
It just doesn't seem possible that I can be 36. I mean, I'm young, I'm hip, I'm up on the latest electronic gadgets and I know all the latest celebrity "news". I watch Gossip Girl! Maybe I'm a wee bit out of touch with Top 40 radio but that's because new music SUCKS, not because I'm OLD.
Wait, did saying that make me sound old? Shitsticks.
Sometimes I walk past a mirror, catch a glimpse of my reflection and am shocked -- SHOCKED -- at the reflection I see. It's not a skinny teenager with teased-up curls in a Catholic school uniform with a library book in one hand and the phone (a CORDED phone, btw) in the other. It's not a college junior in unfortunate Mom jeans and a body suit on her way out to Cockeyed's. Nope, I see a tired housewife with dark roots and baby spit-up on her shoulder glancing back at me. How did that happen? Where did the time go?
Let's back up and talk about 90's fashion for a moment. Yes, I wore bodysuits in college. Not to dance class but to the bar. They were all the rage even though they were basically Onesies for grown women. We wore each others', swapping them around like baseball cards. Was there ever a more inconvenient item of clothing to wear to a bar than a shirt that snapped under your crotch? How we didn't fall into the filthy toilet after our 5th or 6th beer, I'll never know.
ANYWAY...
So, yeah, I'm old. But I kind of don't believe it. I know there is at least one other person out there feeling what I'm feeling. Amazing Nurse Friend and I have talked about this phenomenon, how it feels like we are recent college grads and we talk about school like we left campus, like, 5 minutes ago. She told me about how she was enthusiastically raving about our college to a colleague whose child was visiting schools and that everyone was looking at her like she was crazy because she made it sound like she was living on campus last week and we graduated Many Years Ago. I snickered but knew that if I had colleagues, I'd do the same thing because those good times just don't seem so long ago.
Which brings me back to my original question. Where did these kids come from? I mean, it just doesn't seem possible that I'm OLD enough be the mother of a KINDERGARTNER. Yes, yes, I know that technically I could have a kid in college. Whatever. It is just bizarre sometimes that these kids live with me and I am their mom.
Somedays, I feel like I am the babysitter.
I always wanted to have kids. For as long as I can remember, I wanted kids. I had to be The Mom when we played pretend games growing up or forget it, I wasn't playing. But you know, I wanted kids When I Grew Up. Have I grown up? I'm pretty sure I haven't. But here they are, loving me, needing me and expecting me to be an adult.
I can handle the first two but...Is anyone else here hearing a Meat Loaf song right now?
I wonder if it's more than just ANF and me feeling like we're living a version of Freaky Friday where we have to do Very Responsible Things. (I only have to take care of my own kids; she actually delivers other peoples'! Talk about responsibility.)
I wonder if my Gram who turned 90 this summer looks in the mirror and thinks, "Holy SHIT, who is THAT?" I can't really think of a polite way to ask, though. ("So, Gram, now that you are so OLD...")
Would I go back in time to be "young" again? No, no way. As much as I loved the good, I don't want to relive the bad. I don't mind growing older, I'm not vain. (If I was, I would have jumped off a bridge the minute I saw my post-partum stretch marks!)
It's just crazy to me how life feels like it is moving so slowly (HOW MUCH LONGER UNTIL THAT BABY SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT???) but is really moving so quickly (Jack is 6? SIX??? What?)
At least I don't have to wear bodysuits anymore.
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