Monday Bloody Monday

It's hard to be squeamish when you have kids. My trio has definitely cured me of some of my pre-motherhood prissiness. I'm cool with baby spit-up. I've had poop under my nails, snots in my hair and tinkles sprayed at my face. Not my favorite way to pass an afternoon but when you are a mom, it comes with the territory.

Blood, though. That I'll never get used to seeing.

Bon's nails grow like weeds. After the Great Clipper Accident of '03 when I cut Jack's thumb and we both cried for half an hour, I threw the infant nail clippers away and have been peeling off or biting off my kids' nails ever since.

Tom saw me in action with Bonnie a few weeks ago and was understandably sickened by me biting our baby's nails. He made me feel bad so I figured I should man up (ha! there's a contradictory expression for when it comes to handling kids if ever there was one) and start using the clippers again.

I got some. The newfangled clippers I purchased at Target, of course, were made by the Red Cross. Awesome, they handle catastrophic emergencies so using their tool should be a piece of cake, right?

Yeah, not so fast.

I lay the wiggly, squiggly baby on my bed. I give her a light massage to soothe her. It must tickle because she's squirming more than ever. Not awesome.

Okay, here goes...

YES, one hand done. Onto the next.

Alright, three fingers to go and...wait, what is all over the bed? Oh my GOD, is that BLOOD???

*the room starts to go black*

Must...stay...conscious...

Okay, she's not crying so it can't be her bleeding. Is it me? Did the blowdart bandit attack me? That can't be, I'm not jogging! WHO IS BLEEDING?

Oh shit, it IS the baby! Her thumb is pumping out blood like a fire hose. Why isn't she crying???

Apply pressure, that's what they always do on ER. Let's squeeze the thumb with a tissue.

Now she is crying. Is it because the thumb hurts or because I'm holding her hand still? Both? Neither? Why can't babies talk??? It would make life SO much easier.

What the HELL, it's still bleeding when I pull the tissue off. Do babies have veins in their nails like I've heard that dogs do? Do dogs really? I'll have to look that up on Wikipedia.

*10 minutes pass*

Okay, it's done bleeding. Time to go get Nat.

*walking past a mirror*

What is that on my back? Oh my GOD, is it MORE BLOOD? Are you bleeding again? You ARE bleeding again!!! How much blood can you lose before you pass out? How much blood can you lose before I pass out???

We have to go and get Nat. If I'm not first in line outside of the room, she'll be traumatized for life. What do I do with this thumb?

*searches desperately around the bedroom*

Need something to keep the finger wrapped, a band-aid isn't an option because it's small enough to swallow but big enough to choke you. So something big and stretchy...

WAIT! I know...yep, that's the ticket. Just call me Mommy McGuyver.

Yes, that is my beloved last born child with her wound wrapped in a pair of hospital-issued underpants, the kind they give out to women to wear immediately after giving birth.

Stretchy? Check

Absorbent? Check

Sterile? Ummm, well, we'll put some Neosporin on it later.

Why did I hold onto those horrible things that make granny panties look sexy? For a moment just like this.

You just never know, after all.

Did she go to preschool like that? Yes in-diggity-deed she did. Nobody batted an eyelash, either because it looked professionally done or because they have realized that I'm completely insane. Whatever.

Anyone need a pair of infant nail clippers? I'll be using my teeth again from now on.