I've taken a break from blogging

I'm in a very negative place these days.  The cramping is mostly gone but that hasn't done much for my anxiety levels.  I'm not going to believe this baby will make it until I'm pushing the morphine pump in the recovery room after surgery.  

It's been a really rough week.  My uncle died on Monday.  Sudden and surprising but then again it wasn't.  When I told one of my friends, she said, "Good Lord, how much more can your family take???" and it shocked me into silence because she put into words what has been gnawing at my subconscious.  How much more can we take?  How much more should we have to take before we can pass the buck to some other clan?  Aren't we waaaaay past that point?  

We were not a large family to begin with but in the last 12 years, we have lost 4 men while only gaining 2.  We started out with 2 grandparents, their 3 children plus 2 spouses and 4 grandchildren.  Any smart gambler in one of those death pools would have put money on a grandparent heading to that great beachhouse in the sky first but instead it was my 19 year old brother followed closely by my 48 year old father.  Only then did my poor grandfather give in to his weakened heart made worse by the shock and sorrow.  Now uncle Jim is gone and all of the surviving grandchildren are fatherless.  I sucked at statistics in grad school but I'm pretty sure this family would totally skew the results if you were to chart average family morbidity.  We used to joke about being the black widows but it's not so funny anymore.  Our men are dropping like flies, leaving me fearful for my husband and precious son as well as hopeful that this baby I'm carrying is a girl for its own safety.  I've taken about all the hits I can handle for the next few decades.