In the immortal words of Britney Spears...

Oh my God, y'all!

I can't even breathe right now.  I sold our swing and bouncer at the garage sale, gave our crib set and blankets away.  Holy shit, "they" say that's when you get pregnant and "they" weren't shitting me!  I just texted Tom at poker; can't wait to get his response.  I know, what a romantic way to tell him but I'm excited!  So scared that my bowels feel full of ice water but excited in an I-know-I-shouldn't-be-because-of-what-happened-last-time kind of way.

I thought I was pregnant last month and getting my period tore me apart.  At that point, I pretty much gave up hope and decided to go back to having sex for the sheer fun of it rather than for procreative purposes.  We're happy, we're healthy, we have two perfect children and that's more than a lot of people get to enjoy.  So, I thought I was getting cramps yesterday and wasn't too broken up about it b/c I had resigned myself to the fact that our baby days were behind us.  Then today I realized that both of my boobs are killing me, not just the "broken" one.  And I got suuuuuper dizzy at the mall.  And I was queasy at dinnertime.  All signs pointed to baby #3 (#4?  how do I phrase that?) but it's 2 days early so I thought I was working myself into a hysterical pregnancy.  Had one test in my drawer left from last month, promised myself I'd wait until morning.  Peed on it 5 minutes later.  Shit and shinola, I don't even know what to say!  I wanted to be pregnant again before I hit the due date of the baby we lost which is 10 days from now and it's been bearing down on me with ferocity but I beat it!  Like so much in my life, I'm hitting my goal at the last minute.

I know I have to keep this a secret.  I can't untell people again -- that was almost as bad as having break the news about Jon and Dad.  I don't even want to tell my Mom for a couple of months.  That's why I'm sending this out into the ether -- I have to spill and it can't be to anyone who knows my family.  Please, oh please, let this baby come to us safely and in perfect health.  I may not deserve it but I need it so badly.