Flo the Cat

The cat started acting strangely over the weekend. Not eating, not pooping, not cleaning herself. By Wednesday night, she couldn't even jump up onto the couch.

Watching her deteriorate, I thought of how her sister died of diabetes a few years ago. To get to the bottom of it all, the kids and I took her to the vet yesterday.

The doctor gave her a quick exam and found that her heart and lungs sounded good but she'd lost 3 lbs. She was dehydrated so they ran fluids into her after taking blood. We came home to anxiously wait for the test results.

The vet called an hour ago. The blood tests came back with high potassium, low sodium, low thyroid, one kidney issue and adrenaline problems. She thinks Flo has Addison's disease which is really rare in cats. It will be $150 to have her tested for that. If she has it, she gets a lifetime of drugs, maybe some steriods and anti-nausea meds as well, and regular blood tests. Flo is 11 years old.

She went through the whole spiel of what we would have to do to keep Flo alive and then said, "So you have to decide how much you want to invest in an older cat." Like it's a purely financial decision. Which, of course, it is but not entirely.

She made me feel like a good person would pay anything and everything to keep Flo alive, like a good person would put the kids in daycare and get a job to pay for Flo's medical expenses without a second thought.

I guess I am not a good person.

We can't afford the meds. We could barely afford to have the $150 test done after dropping $240 on yesterday's visit. And what if the test makes them think it's something else that requires more testing? UGH.

I feel so cold-hearted that this is mostly coming down to finances but there it is: I can't afford her care and she is suffering. The doctor said that this isn't something that will go away and left untreated, she will die painfully. Maybe sooner, maybe later.

I think we are going to "put her to sleep" which is my cowardly way of saying that we are going to kill her to save us some cash and maybe save her from suffering. She would hate taking meds everyday and she would HATE going to the vet for blood tests. At least, I think she would. It's not like she can tell me.

I feel like I will answer for this when I die and face judgement. I'm not even sure i believe that happens but I'm convinced that this will be the thing that tips the scales against me getting through the proverbial pearly gates.

Tom suggested that we get a new cat as I explained with great, gulping sobs that we were going to euthanize her. I know his heart was in the right place but sometimes it really sucks when men try to "fix" things. Another cat will not erase my grief or my guilt.

Never again. No pets. I already worry about how this will affect my karma and whether St. Francis, patron saint of animals, will strike one of my kids with Addison's in retaliation. No way am I getting another pet and setting myself up for this kind of decision ever again.

Oh, Flo baby, you sassy and sweet thing, I am so very sorry. Sorry that we are going to do this to you, sorry that you are suffering, sorry that we ever met.

I know that makes me the most selfish of all but it's true: if I could go back in time and stop myself from adopting her, I would. Because I am so damn sick of everyone I love dying and me feeling like it's my fault. In this case, at least, it totally will be.