I Am not anti-Fangs. And I Love Sparkley Things.

But it cannot be denied -- I am maybe the biggest Twilight hater on the planet.

I hate it so much that I feel disappointment when I find out that someone I respect is a fan.

That's some serious hate.

And this is coming from someone who ranks Dracula among my favorite books of all time. Who thinks Buffy the Vampire Slayer was one of the best series of the 90's and had a poster of Angel hanging in my first home.

Eric Northman can bite me anywhere he wants. Preferably not in Fangtasia's scary basement as I am afraid of the dark and don't like the smell of blood but still. Glamour me any ol' time, Sheriff.

So I have nothing against vampire stories. Well, not the good ones, at least.

Let's back up. Okay, so years ago, maybe right when we moved to Dorkaware, I read Twilight. You know, the first one. I found it mildly entertaining and was surprised to discover that it was a young adult book.

I bought it, enjoyed it and promptly forgot about it.

Kind of like Jack with a Happy Meal toy.

So years pass and all of a sudden there is this Twilight furor. Other books have been published. Movies are in the works. I'm as nosy as the next girl and I hate not finishing a series so I add the newer books to my library list.

I read the second.

I read the third.

I beg myself to just this once not finish a series because I'm afraid my eyes might bleed and fall out if I force myself to endure the last book. No dice, I'm a stickler for rules.

Must. Finish. Series.

Surprisingly, my eyes do not bleed. Instead, I laugh until my stomach hurts.

Not because it's a comedy but because it's that bad. That hilariously awful. I'm chuckling right along with Stephenie Meyer who is laughing her way right to the bank with wads and wads of cash.

Holy crap, what drivel. I couldn't believe it! THIS is what had grown women swooning???

Good Lord! I mean, set aside the poorly written, overwrought plot and laughably dramatic dialogue which reads more like fan fiction than like the work of a published author. It's the message -- THE MESSAGE -- that stuck in my craw.

That it's all cool and romantic-like to give up on life and jump off cliffs when your boyfriend breaks up with you. (There is nothing romantic about suicide. NOTHING.)

That abstinence is totally the way to go so you should get married right away if you want to have sex.

Tom would kill me for saying this but here goes -- Nat and Bon, I love you and I hope you wait for the right guy at the right time. But seriously, have a little sex if you feel like you want to. Use protection, come to me and I'll help you get it. But please, don't get married right out of high school. The odds are overwhelmingly stacked against that going well for you. So have a little protected sex with a nice boy and get it out of your system while you go to college, get a degree, take some nice trips with your friends and do all the things that a single, independent woman enjoys before you settle down, get married and have children.

So yeah, abstinence? Not so much. It's not really a lesson that sticks. Ask Bristol Palin.

Back to the heartbroken reaction to the break-up. The heroine is 17. SEVENTEEN. Or something like that. I don't actually remember or care. I just know she was in high school and I know that most of the second book was about her pining for her True Love and drowning in her Deep Sorrow to the point of barely breathing or moving from her room.

Okay, seriously, if my Mom could get out of bed after her son was murdered, I think Miss Bella should be able to pull it together enough to take a shower and slap a smile on her face.

Everything feels big and painful when you are a teen. A broken nail feels like the end of the world. Books and movies geared towards that age group should not feed the madness of teenage hormones and angst. That's like handing a bottle of gin to an alcoholic.

Twilight is to teens what Disney Princesses are to preschoolers -- entertainment with a very dangerous message. Life doesn't end if a boy leaves you. A princess doesn't need a prince to rescue her (Thank you, Tiana, for being the first DP to show that so well!)

I'm not going to even talk about how Bella strung along 2 guys with her damsel in distress routine. Or how annoying it was that the books made her clumsiness so adorable. How is always hurting yourself attractive? Whatever.

Don't even get me started on the Twilight movies. I know I got the first one from Netflix to see if it could change my mind and I remember starting to watch it but that's where my memory goes blank. I guess I fell asleep and then mailed it back? No idea. Maybe the sight of the sullen actress who plays Bella was too much for me. Maybe I couldn't get past the fact that the actor who plays the supposedly gorgeous Edward looks like an anorexic lesbian. Seriously, he's like the love child of Robert Smith and Morrissey.

I just don't get it. And I don't want to get it.

Sparkles in the sun indeed. *snicker*