And to Think I Was Worried That "Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite" Was Too Scary

The Biggies won't sleep under their covers. This has been going on for a few weeks.

I thought it was because of the hot weather but it's been much cooler lately and they are still sleeping on top of their quilts.

Natalie started the trend. Never one to be left out of a bit of light weirdness, The Boy jumped on board.

I've largely ignored it, throwing blankets on them when I go to bed or even putting them under their covers as soon as they fall asleep although that involved lots of shrieking in the morning when they woke up to realize they were under the dreaded bedding and that was a sucktastic way for all of us to start the day so I stopped that quickly.

Tonight, I was feeling less end-of-the-day-weary than usual so I took a deep breath and asked Jack WHY he won't get in bed anymore. Inquiring minds -- well, mind -- want to know.

His answer?

Guess.

Go ahead. Try.

You'll never get it.

If you do, I'll give you a dollar. Ten dollars. Hell, I could promise to give you a thousand dollars and not worry about the fact that I have only $23.47 in the house account right now because you will never, ever guess why my children refuse to sleep on their ultra soft percale sheets.

Why won't they? Here's how it went down.

At first, Jack shook his head furiously, refusing to name the horror like we were talking about Lord Voldemort or Yahweh circa 1525 BC.

Okay, so obviously this is big, at least to him. I ask again.

He starts gesturing on the bedspread, like his fingers are doing the walking. Ummm, okay, you are afraid of the Yellow Pages? We don't even have a phone book in the house. Duh, that's why they invented the internet.

But no, he's a child of the 21st century and doesn't even know what a phone book is, hence the blank expression over my dumb joke.

So I try again. Let's go with the obvious. Bed bugs?

Survey says no, judging by the furious head shaking.

Okay, um, mice? Rats?

No and and even more wild-eyed no. Maybe this guessing game isn't such a grand idea since all I'm doing is giving him MORE reasons to be afraid to get under the covers. Great job by me right there.

I put on my Mommy-is-not-messing-around-anymore face and ask him to please tell me WHY he won't get in bed like a normal person does.

Are you ready for this?

Cave spiders.

Right. That makes sense.

For those of you who haven't visited us here in lovely Northern Delaware, let me point out that our home is largely above ground. The family room downstairs is partially underground, I guess, but it has a window so it's hardly subterranean living.

We haven't gone spelunking since, oooooh, let's see, I don't know, NEVER so it's unlikely that any crafty little cave spiders hopped into our hip waders and stowed away to come and live in the cozy confines of my children's beds.

But yeah, cave spiders.

Cave spiders are keeping my kiddos from sleeping comfortably under the bedding I lovingly purchased and diligently wash each week.

Cave spiders.

He tells me this and I can't believe my ears. I guffaw -- yes, I truly did -- and stomp into the girls' room, risking the horror of waking a sleeping Bon, to get confirmation from Natalie. Of course, she confirms the story.

Cave spiders, it is.

Seriously, is there even such a thing as cave spiders? I mean, I know spiders like dark places so it stands to reason that they would feel at home in a cave but is "cave spider" an official name for a certain type of spider?

I could look it up on the internet but I don't really want to know. The answer wouldn't make me feel any better about the crazy thoughts rolling around in my babies' heads.

I shouldn't talk though. I was just as crazy at their ages although I went the opposite route. I slept entirely under the covers, no matter how hot it was, because I was convinced that if I peeked out, there would be a clown face inches away, leering at me.

Oh crap, why did I have to dredge up that memory?

Tommy Boy better not get any ideas about why I dive headfirst under the covers tonight.

Cave spiders.

*sigh*

I'll have to find out if they die off or at least hibernate in cold weather. Otherwise, I'm going to have to find some Gore-Tex PJs for my little wackos.