I'm shocked. And furious. And homicidal.
You think I was mad about the dog crap? That was laidback compared to how I feel about these bitchass little shitbags who are targeting my kid.
Jack was pretty matter-of-fact about it all in the beginning. Not like it was no big deal but like he expected it. He is a bit of an odd little thing with an old soul who has always seen himself as different than other kids. He knows that many are rowdy and given to "bad behavior" as he calls it while he is not. His whining sessions at home can be epic but when he is out in the world without me, he has the self-control of a Buckingham Palace Guard. His weekly reports are VERY important to him and he proudly presents a perfect report to me each Friday. I, of course, expect nothing less.
So, yeah, initally he told me the story of how this kid is attacking him with all the emotion that he'd use in explaining what he had for breakfast. It was only as my eyebrows went higher and my questions got sharper that he realized being pushed around is not normal and it is not okay.
Enter Daddy.
Tom and I have different perspectives on a lot of things. He loves red meat; I'm happy to live the rest of my life without ever having a pork chop or filet. He thinks the corporal punishment his parents employed made him the good man he is today; I'm proud that my parents raised me to be a responsible adult without ever laying a hand on me. Sports are his life; I'd shrivel up and die without a good book at the ready.
Like I said, we are opposites. And opposites attract which may explain why we work as a couple. On this issue though, we are both in agreement.
Daddy said hit back. Hit back once and hit back HARD.
Mommy said, Oh HELL yeah. Okay, not out loud, of course, but in my head. Actually, in my head I used even stronger language but I digress...
So we both told him that he needed to hit this kid back. That you can't let someone hurt you repeatedly or they will keep it up forever. Just imagining doing so stressed Jack out. Why can he hit S if hitting is wrong? What if he got in trouble for it? What if the bus driver saw? And told his teacher? And he got a blue or a yellow or, horror of horrors, a red card instead of his normal, perfect green that day?
We talked about how hitting is wrong most of the time like when it's unprovoked or done out of frustration. We gave example upon example of "bad" hitting. Then we hit him (pun intended) with my new favorite word.
Justified.
It is okay to hit S back if he hits you first. That kind of hitting is justified because you have to defend yourself when someone hurts you.
Gandhi would not approve. Eff Gandhi. It's not his kid getting used as a punching bag.
Jack said he would do it. But he hasn't. He has a million excuses reasons why he hasn't done it yet. I don't think he's afraid of the kid so much as he is afraid of getting into trouble.
God, he is so much like me.
I spent my life worrying about getting into trouble and what people would think. Hell, I'm still like that so how can I fault him for just wanting to be good?
Sadly, the world is not an easy place for boys like Jack. Good boys who want to be left alone with their perfect behavior reports. Boys for whom rules are a comfort and a pleasure rather than a yoke around their necks.
So, he continues to take shit on the bus and on the playground and I continue to debate about whether it's more important to follow his wishes and stay out of it or intervene and risk losing his trust.
This is when I need my father. My calm, rational father who could put his emotions in his briefcase and look at any given situation rationally. Sometimes that was REALLY frustrating like when he was fine with the affirmative action policy that kept me out of the college I badly wanted to attend while students from the bottom of the academic heap at my high school were accepted. But now, right now I need his unbiased analysis of this situation. I want to know what he thinks, how he would handle it all. I know he would find the words to calm me down and to help Jack find a solution that ends the problem without compromising his rigid principles (which Tom and I are guilty of encouraging him to do.)
Or maybe he wouldn't. Maybe having a grandchild would blur Dad's logic and he'd be ready to run the little bastard over. Like my mother wants to.
My brother was bullied twice that I know of. The first time, he was in 2nd grade and I was in 5th. On our way back to school after lunch, some 8th grade boys cornered him and were sticking him with pins. I flew (literally) into a rage and attacked them. I don't know where I got the courage and the strength but those bigger, older boys were scared enough to run off. I straightened Jon's tie, smoothed my hair and we went off to school like nothing had happened. The second time was later in grade school and a kid from the neighborhood was pushing him around in our yard. I picked that little bully up and threw him into the fence. Jon wasn't so happy about my protection that time but he never had a problem with that kid again. Maybe I should nevernevernevernever have left his side and he'd still be here.
And maybe that is why I am so freaked out about Jack's bully situation. I wasn't there for Jon. I dropped him at that party and drove off. If I'd been there, I would have dragged him out by his ear and thrown him in the trunk faster than he could say, "Jesus, Christy you are so embarrassing!!!" the minute that asshole pulled the gun out of his pocket. I never would have let him anywhere near my precious boy who was too foolish to get out of there on his own accord. Didn't he hear any of my lectures on safety and responsible choices???
I sound like I was his mother. My Mom would be the first to tell you that I was when she wasn't there. It was an unspoken responsibility and one I never took lightly.
Now I'm the Mom for reals. And I can't pick kids up and throw them into fences anymore. And Jack doesn't have an older sister to be his mother when I'm not there.
People talk about how brutal the first months of a child's life are with the sleepless nights and constant feedings and inexplicable wailing. That's a walk in the park compared to what happens in later years when you have to send that little boy out into the cruel world while you stay behind, waiting for him to return safely and hoping that you gave him all the tools he'll need to thrive. God help me but this is nothing to Him. After all, look what bullies did to His kid.
7 comments:
Wow Christy -- I hope Jack gives that kid a fat lip. I doubt he will though. He knows in his heart it is wrong. I am dreading the day when I am in this situation as a mom. I can only imagine the rage. Good luck - I hope the situation resolves soon and leaves S with a bloody nose!
Oh Christy - I am so sorry for all of this. There is no worse feeling than letting our kids go out into that world, when you know there is something going on and when you feel so helpless.
Oh, Christy, I don't even know what to say. I can only imagine how angry you are at that jerk kid! It's good, though, that you and Tom both gave Jack the thumbs up on socking the little punk back. Everyone has their breaking point, and I am sure that Jack will fight back with words or fists or whatever it takes, especially since he knows that his mom and dad have his back.
I think Ryan and Jack would get along brilliantly. Ryan loves to sit quietly and read, or play a game on the computer. He does play at recess, but mostly he is pretty quiet and he's always a rule follower. He even tells on himself when he's done wrong.
Last year he had this little punk, John R. pushing him and scratching him. The first time, I went with the theory that this kid was just having a bad day. We all have them and sometimes kids don't know how to handle that.
But the second time, my inner ghetto came out and I told Ryan to sock the jerk right in the nose.
Of course he was shocked and pulled the "but hitting is wrong"...I wish I would have been smart enough then to teach him about being justified. It came out all wrong.
But I basically told him that as long as he didn't start it, I wouldn't get mad at him for defending himself.
He never did anything but eventually that kid found someone else to pick on.
But Ryan still struggles...he doesn't stand up for himself so we are working on that.
You're right though...those early months are nothing compared to the heartbreak that awaits him.
Christy, you really have a way with writing/blogging. My husband and I have told our Son the same thing about hitting back, never first. Walt is a big kid with a kind heart. It takes him a bit to see when someone is being a bully, but he does and HAS defended himself. I know exactly what you mean about sticking up for your brother. I did that a few times also. Once, at Fisher's Park, I remember Tommy Uhlien laughing at my brother, who was wearing his snow/ski pants, and kept falling back down the hill. I thought I was going to ring Tommy's neck. I flipped out and told him what a jerk he was. Another time, I believe Billy was in 8th grade, he was on 5th street with some friends and an older kid (who's name I remember vividly) grabbed Billy and beat AND kicked the daylights out of him. He had a fractured eye socket, 2 swollen-shut black eyes, an almost broken nose and bruises everywhere. He had braces at the time and his lips were so bloody and swollen that it ripped my heart out. I remember thinking..."If only I was there"... Kids are cruel and your Sweet Boy will do the right thing:)
Thanks, ladies. We're working through it. All of us have conflicting emotions about it but we're trying to find a way to empower Jack to defend himself without compromising his rigid principles (there is no gray in Jack Tobin's world, only pure white and darkest black) or teaching him to be a bully himself.
Kelly, not Tommy Uhlein, say it isn't so! Sorry, you reactivated my childhood crush for a moment there. ;-) Good for you for standing up for Billy! Jack needs a sister like you and I were. He may just get it when The Madam goes to school with him next year. She's petite but she's a scrapper, God love her.
I know far too much about being bullied. The one thing I regret is that I was a late bloomer as far as growth went, but that's not important here. What's important is that I support Tom here 100000%.
Here's my advice to young Master Jack: Jack, my boy, never throw the first punch in any fight. ALWAYS throw the last one. My son first heard this at 4 months old. He'll hear it ad nauseum until he's in his 20's.
Post a Comment